European Parliament Unable to find a Translator who can Interpret Cameron’s Gibberish

The European Parliament has been left in a state of befuddled exhaustion over the last few days, as every translator in the Union seemed completely unable to make sense of David Cameron’s nonsensical demands. One of the translators, Amelie Toblerone-Bratwurst had this to say:

 

“I have over 20 years experience as an English translator, but I just couldn’t understand a word that the man was saying. It sounded like you were all going to have a vote on whether or not you stay in the European Union, but surely this cannot be correct? This is like Bez having a vote on whether or not Bez should stay in The Happy Mondays.

 

“I also thought that I heard him saying that he wants to put an end to human rights, but this also did not make sense, as he was a human being in a room full of other human beings who have been elected by yet more human beings for the purpose of constructing a world in which human beings might best live as human beings. Jean-Claude Juncker, the President of the European Commission looked at me like I was a prize-asshole at that point – I think he suspected that I had taken some of our psychedelic, Dutch party-medicine.

 

“After that I just had to start making stuff up, as what I thought he was saying got weirder and weirder. What did I think he said, you ask? Oh, all sorts. He said that he wanted to block off the channel tunnel and convert it into an Aston Martin museum, he said that he was going to cover the country with a giant net to prevent migratory birds from re-entering, he said that he was going to take all the money that you would have spent on EU taxes and use it to have sky-writers sketch Margaret Thatcher’s face on a 24 hour cycle, and I think he said something about turning Scotland into a pay-and-display car park. It just went on an on like that to be honest. I think that I must have had some sort nervous breakdown.”

 

When we tried to explain to Ms Toblerone-Bratwurst that they were all genuine demands, she said, “oh my God, it’s happening with you now. Everything that you’re saying is just gibberish.”